Monday, January 14, 2013

Mayonaise and bananas???

     Yesterday I felt like I needed a vacation from home. A "Target" vacation. Nobody was being an asshole here, it was just one of those days where you feel like a moth, and Target is the bright light. This is not something I get to do very often, and even though I had Bug with me, it was still pretty awesome. I squished novelty pillows and smelled candles and fantasized about how I'd decorate our house if the walls weren't fucking orange. I was in the store for over an hour, and I even threw caution to the wind and bought myself a scarf for 50% off, jeans for 20% off, two bras for $18, and two new eye-shadows, in very different shades of grey and brown than the other greys and browns I had at home.
     Like most little girls, I learned how to do makeup from watching my Mom. Unfortunately, that was circa 1986, when the style of makeup was to wear candy looking colors like baby blue, cotton candy pink and teal green. Mom pretty much just smeared one of those colors on her eyelid, threw on some red lipstick and rose blush and called it a day. Don't get me wrong, Mom was a beautiful woman, she was just doing what all women did then. It was the style.
      I don't know how to do fancy makeup. I don't know how to wear blush without looking like a hooker from the 20's. I can't perfectly blend and layer eight shades of blue to violet on my eyelid. The best I can do is follow the paint-by-number on the back of the eye-shadow palette. I spent a whole 6 minutes on painting by number today:


     My birthday is this week. I will be 36. Every year around my birthday I unconsciously attempt a self improvement overhaul, in proportions I can currently afford. Do all women do this? This year it's the scarf, jeans, bras and makeup combo, and, God willing, a trip to the thrift store, where I can find already comfortably worn-in Levi's for 1/8 the price they are in stores. When we moved here, I threw away nearly all my clothes. Being dirt poor for so long and never buying clothes for myself has created a wardrobe of hand-me-downs from friends and exes that is ridiculous. Between wearing someone else's jeans and being 6 months post partum, nothing fits me correctly. It's embarrassing. After the closet purge I was left with 5 T-shirts, a few tank tops, and 2 pairs of jeans, all of which fit me either pre-pregnancy, or immediately after giving birth. I am no longer either of these sizes. I'm pretty sure I look like an orphan.

     Here is me today, in my awkward self-portrait-with-no-tripod pose. When it's jeans and a T-shirt, do you really need a full length view? You get the picture. This is the same outfit I wear everyday, except the shirt will be a different color. It's pretty bleak. So now you can see why a trip to the thrift store holds so much promise for my beauty overhaul. I'll let you know how it goes.

     My husband and son tell me constantly that I'm beautiful and to stop thinking about my looks. Husband says that I don't need makeup. Okay I will admit that I'm totally hot, but not needing makeup?! Surely the man has Tourette Syndrome and is blurting out random weird shit. There are such women who don't need makeup to look good, but those women are not 36 year old, partly fair, partly olive skinned Polish women with adult acne who can't tan and had a hard time in their twenties. I don't consider myself to be girlie-poo or even fashion conscious, but I do wanna look as good as possible while I still can.

     Today I got to start writing early, because Bug is taking an afternoon nap, FINALLY. She was on nap strike for a few days. There's a Mexican-ish seasoned pork roast in the oven, so that tonight we can eat it as is with potatoes, and tomorrow we can shred what's left for burritos. That's how you stretch $6 my friends. That reminds me, it was brought to my attention that blogs should give information or teach you something. Uhh...okay....Not sure what I should include...maybe just what I find funny or interesting. Here's funny:
And this was interesting. The most recent favorite find in my vintage recipe collection. This one was from
Christmas candle salad
1 1/2 envelopes ( 1 1/2 tablespoons) unflavored gelatin
1/3 cup cold water
2 cups canned cranberry juice cocktail
4 ripe bananas
8 salted almonds
Salad greens

Soften gelatin in cold water. Heat cranberry cocktail to boiling; add to gelatin and stir to dissolve gelatin. Pour into 8 small, star-shaped molds. Chill until firm; unmold. Cut out and remove a small circle from center of each star the same diameter as the bananas. Peel bananas; cut in halves, crosswise. Insert 1/2 banana in center of each of each star as shown. Top each “candle” with a salted almond for a “flame”. Add a little mayonnaise to look like melted wax. Serve on salad greens with mayonnaise. Makes 8 servings.
Cherry and Banana Mold
Dissolve the contents of 1 package (3 ounces) lemon-flavored gelatin in 1 cup of boiling water; add and stir in 1 cup cold water. Chill gelatin, stirring often, until thick but not set. Fold in 1/2 cup well-drained, halved, canned pitted black cherries and 1 cup sliced ripe banana. Turn into 1-quart mold; chill until firm. Unmold, garnish with salad greens and serve. Makes 4 to servings.

Published by – COOKINDEX – Division of H.S. Stuttman Co., Inc. New York ©Copyright 1958 Tested Recipe Institute, Inc. New York


     I double dog dare you to make that recipe. I'd do it, but I don't have the balls to eat it, and I don't have enough money to pay my family to try it so.....wait. Hmmm.....I just got an idea....


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