Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Oprah goes to Target....

     Of course my husband doesn't beat me. And I don't beat my kids. I spanked Gage once, in mid chase, as he was attempting to cross a busy street. No, wait. He just reminded me of the time he rode his bike directly in front of a moving vehicle, right in front of me and his bio-dad when he was 7. His butt got smacked then too. You get the picture. Anyway, even though nobody hits anyone else, this is a threat we use sarcastically, in jest. Oh yeah, and domestic violence is totally not funny!
     That said......Husband is going to beat me. I spent sooooooooooooooooooooo much money at Walmart between yesterday and today. Okay not that much. More like $soo.oo much. You dig? I had good reason though! Prescriptions, groceries, toiletries, super huge box O' diapers, bandanas to make gifts for the adorable baby girls of my cousins and friends, a beach umbrella, a super cute cover-up and patriotic swimsuit for was IMPORTANT. I feel guilty anyway though. It's a lot of cash all at once, it's a corporate giant (which the punk in me feels is inherently evil) and by going there I feel like I'm part of Walmart culture. What is Walmart culture? You know what it is. Shut the fuck up. There isn't a whole website called People of Walmart for no reason.

     Oh how I wish I could be a Target person...Michelle Obama goes to Target. Oprah goes to Target. Martha Stewart does not go to Target because she isn't good enough. She goes to Kmart. That tells you how fancy Target is.

      At Target, there's a Starbucks just inside the front door. After you pick your sturdy red cart, you enter the dollar bins, where you can find every decorative thing you need for (insert holiday here), all your daughter's hair accessories for the next year, bubble bath samples, cookie confetti, baby books for your nephew and beer koozies with mustaches on them. Next you get to the accessories section, fashionable adolescent and cheap but super cute sunglasses. And scarves. So many scarves!
     Then there's that wierd section where, you're browsing through the grown-ass-woman clothes (hint; there is not a giant peace sign and butterfly print on the T-shirts), you're holding things up to you to see if they fit (because nobody wants to abandon their cart to try shit on), and you start finding all these awesome pieces that seem to be made for you! And then OHMYFUCKINGSHIT they're maternity! No sweat, bitches, Ima just make the face that clearly means "I am shopping for my poor, pregnant friend and being kind by pretending she is even close to my size". Crisis averted. Moving on. Perhaps some sweat pants from the mens section is just what "she" needs.....Oh wait - what are these adorable sun and moon print jammies in the active/sleepwear section?? $25 for pajamas??? Fuck off, I'll wear my Husband's old boxers and a sports bra. That's totally legit.

     The people who shop at Target for their shit tickets (ie: toilet paper) are people who can afford to pay an extra $3 for something you flush down the toilet. Three dollars is a lot of fucking money, for most people. And that's how Walmart gets you. Their prices are so makes it mostly okay to look at people like this while you pick out side dishes for this week's menu:
This is not okay.

     I haven't had too many noteworthy experiences in Walmart, surprisingly. But I did have one, that was particularly memorable. Gage was a little dude, maybe...6 months old. We were in the checkout line at Walmart and in front of us was a woman with a full cart and 3 kids, all under 5 years old. One of the boys was being an asshole, throwing bags of candy off the shelves, hitting his sister... whatever. His mom told him 80 times to stop. Come here. Behave. On and on....and then, she did something amazing. That kid was about 15 feet away from her. She took off her dirty flip flop, and flung it at her son with the force of a hurricane. And then she flew over to him in an instant, picked up the flip flop and smacked him upside the head with it! He did not even cry! He just looked at her and made the pouty face.
     I was horrified, at the time. That was child abuse! I should have reported her, I thought. But now...I'd probably give her MY shoe to smack him with. I don't know what it is, but something about having more than one child makes you lose your fucking mind, and hitting children with dirty foam flip flops seems like a great idea.

    I have a friend and a cousin who are about to have babies, and I think they even have the same due date. One has two older kids, so she's gonna have lots of help. The other will have an 18 month old and a newborn at the same time. She happens to be one of those people who was born to raise children so I don't worry about her, but if it were me? I'd probably develop a tequila problem. That is way, way worse than my beer problem, just so you know. I have a huge amount of respect for people with multiple kids. You women are nuts though. Have you ever had a psychological evaluation? Cuz I'm pretty sure you've got thrill seeker issues. Maybe a zip line in the backyard would be better for your mental health? Whatever floats your boat I guess...



Saturday, May 11, 2013

For Mother's Day: I do not want to be around non-English speaking midgets.

     The plan was to write a beautiful love letter to my kids as the Mother's Day blog entry. I was gonna make you people cry with my eloquent tales of Mothering my little angels. And then this week happened. Oh, I still love the kids, and I am the luckiest Mama in the world, blah blah blah...I have been inundated with Mother's Day mushiness for a month, from TV to social media, the other blogs I read and my friends and family. I am well aware of what I am supposed to want. Here's what I really want.

1. I want to spend a whole day working on my sewing and craft projects, and only interact with the baby when it's convenient for me, and she is happy and cute. The second poop stank wafts up from her diaper, or she gets hungry, I want to hand her off to someone else.

2. I want to take a nap without having the pressure of only having an hour to do so, because that's all I can afford to pay in babysitting fees for Gage.

3. I want to make myself something to eat without Bug hanging off my legs, screaming her head off and whining in a pitch that makes me want to stab myself in the ear.

4. I want the fleas in the upholstery and rugs, and the flying cockroaches everywhere else to politely move the fuck out.

5. I want my husband to eat what I fucking cooked, instead of  frying hot wings and bacon for himself in some sort of manly protest over carrots, while the rest of the family eats the carefully planned out, healthy dinner I so lovingly prepared, with the groceries I spent 3 days collecting coupons for and investigating the best deals, at 3 different stores, to buy.

6. I want my son to stop leaving trash in his room for the ants, and stop leaving our very nice, fluffy towels wadded up and wet in his bathroom to rot.

7. I want my friends to be closer than 2600 miles away, because I am seriously starting to go fucking nuts stuck in this house with only an emotional, demanding, non-english speaking midget to interact with.

8. I DO NOT want breakfast in bed because I would have to clean it all up, and there would likely be a toddler crawling through my eggs when I was trying to eat it anyway.

9. I want to be able to take Bug outside and let her run through the yard to her heart's content, like a regular kid, without having to worry about snakes, ticks, spiders, poison ivy, mosquitoes, fire ants, killer bees, fleas, and a murky pond for her to drown in.

10. I want to be drunk by 2:00 pm and eat nothing but sushi and fresh baked bread with olive oil all day. And cake.

11. I want Bug to be able to say 3 words by next Saturday, when she'll be 15 months old, because I'm starting to wonder if she's retarded.

12. I don't want to send Gage to stay with his bio dad for the entire summer, for reasons I decline to state because Gage reads my blog. But I assure you, I have many, many good reasons.

13. I don't want Husband to have to take overnight jobs doing dumb shit that is beneath him, or have to do any job he hates, just so that we can get by. If that's the score, we might as well have never left our friends, co-workers and family in California.

14. I want to sleep through the night without being woken up by people making themselves 2:00 am snacks, crying babies, rats in the basement or faulty security systems.

15. Since I have to carry health insurance, I would like for them to cover ANYTHING we actually need for once. Really, anything! A prescription, a test, SOMETHING!!

16. I do not want to have a "talk" about how this entry is just passive aggressive hate mail to my family. About how I don't appreciate anything, and my life is so much better now, and I'm impossible to make happy, blah blah blah. The truth is, my life IS better now, I DO appreciate everything, and I just had a really lonely, frustrating week. And Mother's Day feels like a bill I have to pay rather than something to celebrate. Lucky you, you get to be the one who hears me bitch, because my job as a stay at home Mom is to create a positive environment in our home, which I take seriously, and standing on the dining room table with a picket sign isn't something I am able to do.

     Tonight the in-laws and grandparents are coming over to celebrate us Moms. I will have a great time with them, because I always do. And tomorrow, everything will be okay again. Maybe I just need a nap.

She's trying to rip my nose off. That's alright. At least she's not trying to rip my nipple off, which is her usual favorite.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Masturbatory condiments.

     Hahahahaha...oh wow....I was just looking at the stats for my blog, because I was interested to see where my views are coming from these days. For a while there, I had a ton of readers from a vampire website in Russia. Don't ask, I have no idea. So anyway, at the bottom there's a spot where it will tell you if someone hit your blog from a search entry. Like, if I type into Google, "Who is the mom of the year?" and my blog showed up in the search results. So the only hit I ever got from a search just appeared, and it is fascinating! The search entry was....

"Can you masturbate with honey?"

     Isn't that the best thing you've heard all day? What happened there? I'm dying to find out...was this person desperately searching their pantry for something to masturbate with? Do they just really like honey and wanted to be more intimate with it? Is it a fetish? I can't imagine which is most likely...and then what happened, did they go through with it? I hope they found the answer they were looking for, cuz my blog is not a good source of information on masturbatory condiments. Hmmm...perhaps it should be. I'm certainly no expert, but I think I can get by.

Condiments good for masturbating:
Ranch dressing, mayonnaise, mustard, hummus, ketchup, cooking and salad oil, sour cream, Cool Whip, BBQ sauce, jelly or jam (seedless), guacamole, frosting.

Condiments NOT good for masturbating:
Salsa, Tabasco or other hot sauce, HONEY, peanut butter, coarse ground mustard, sliced jalapenos or any other pepper, any vinaigrette containing pepper, garlic, or seeds, marshmallow fluff, Parmesan cheese.

     Of course this list is not exhaustive, and you should never ever put anything inside your body. This is just a loose guideline in case I ever get that hit again. You're welcome.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Mommy and me? Ugh.....

     I totally need to get out of the house. Yeah, I know I've been saying that for months now. But for reals. The time is now. But what do I do? Roller derby didn't end up being something I wanted to dedicate myself to out here, and I had put all my eggs in that basket. Why not derby? Well for one, I forgot how late practices typically are, and that afterward you're so amped up it's impossible to sleep right when you get home. Staying up until one or two isn't an option with this baby thing in my life. Second, when I skated before, I took Gage with me to practices, and Bug is just too young for me to do that. Third, I hate the way the game has changed. The new rules suck, and turning roller derby into a family event makes it less fun for me. So, meh.

     The obvious choice for easy socialization is...Dun.. Dun.. Dun... Playgroups. Yep, we're at that point. Now normally, you know I don't like Moms because they are the most judgmental and uptight variety of female, and although I have many female friends I adore, making new ones always makes me paranoid and anxious. I'm pretty sure normal women feel more comfortable around a group of women than a group of men or in mixed company, but I am not that way. I think we went over this. Too many "Mean Girls" experiences, dude. But THIS time, I am going to be brave and go in with positive vibes and no expectations. We'll see what happens.

     For years I have been looking for volunteer opportunities or for some type of community activism to put my philanthropic efforts into. I even joined a volunteerism match-up site one time, where you tell them your available hours and skills, and they match you with volunteer opportunities and community events. All I ever got was emails asking if I could clean the bathrooms at the Ronald McDonald House. Um no. See I fall somewhere between saint and too shallow to clean other people's toilets. Closer to the latter description. So, it didn't work out.
     And then today during Bug's morning nap I was browsing local Mommy-and-Me groups, and I thought...what cause do I care about? What group of people am I especially concerned about? Just then I ran across an article about a GSA (Gay-Straight-Alliance) club starting at one of the high schools here, after being denied permission to do so in years past. It said that my county still didn't allow this club, which has been a staple in many high schools for over a decade, but that they hoped to have one soon. And then it hit me! LGBT youth programs! DUH! So then I start searching and initially, every LGBT group I find has been inactive for a long time, and I can't find any LGBT youth groups. I was so upset about it, I thought well shit...I'll start one myself! Luckily, I later found a whole bunch of active groups on Facebook, because I certainly don't have time to start a non-profit all by myself. So there ya go. I emailed one of them to see if there's any way I can help, and hopefully I'll get good news back. Yay!

     I read that there is a high population of homeless teenagers here, and like, 30% of them are gay? Broke my heart, dude. I can't imagine kicking my kid out of the house for any reason! How could you do that?! Gross. A long time ago I volunteered for some group that gave box lunches and condoms to homeless kids, so I figure that's probably still what they do. It's something I can do with Bug on my hip, and it'll make me happy to be able to help in some small way. I'm excited.

Alright, I guess I have to do housewife things now, dammit.


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Who would like to cast the first stone? Anyone? Anyone?

     I just saw an ex-meth addict I know make some really stupid, rude and WRONG comments about something on Facebook, so I'm gonna rant now.

     I'm just gonna go ahead and say something that will likely piss some people off, but I don't give a shit, because I can firmly stand by my words on this one. It seriously angers me when people talk shit about welfare programs and the people who use them. Food stamps, Medicaid, all of it. I have heard people make some very offensive and factually wrong assumptions about the race, citizenship status, intelligence level, and ethics of people they have never met, based solely on their participation in a government program. They have very little knowledge of how these programs work or who is actually utilizing them. And you know what? The people I hear complaining the loudest have no fucking right to say anything about how other people use government programs, or being lazy, and half of them I see as being jealous haters. The other half, they're just being ignorant. There, I said it.

     Let's do a Q and A, shall we? I'll throw out a common complaint, and then crush the "logic" of the statement. Ooohh fun! The first one is my favorite.

Complaint: "My tax dollars go to lazy people who don't want to work or better themselves. They just want a free ride while I work my butt off and don't get anything."

My retort: First, I love it when people say, 'my tax dollars'. Shut up. If you are fortunate enough to make enough money at your job to where you can afford to pay taxes on your income, then guess what? Shut up. We live in America, a Democracy, where you pay taxes, and you get to vote people into office who decide all the gory details of where that tax money goes. If you don't like how it's spent, then fucking vote for once! Nobody votes! Only about 55% of eligible voters this year bothered to get off their fucking couch and vote, for fuck's sake, so SHUT UP!
     Once you pay your taxes, it goes to services for EVERYONE. Not just YOU, EVERYONE has potholes. It's not YOUR country, it's OURS. You need a pothole on your cul-de-sac filled, somebody else needs a checkup for their 1 year old. So shut up. Are you really going to stand in front of a sick baby and say, "sorry kid, you don't get to go to the doctor, because I need a pothole filled on my street. I know you might die from pneumonia, but that pothole is super annoying." No, you're not, because you probably aren't as evil as all the stupid shit you say.
     Some of these complainers are people who get tax RETURNS, and even if they are paying property taxes or something, that isn't where food stamp money comes from. It comes from your income taxes (which you get a return on) plus money set aside from the federal government. So when YOUR tax dollars come back to you at the end of the year...shut up. You're just (rightfully) pissed off because your shitty job gives shitty benefits, your health premiums are expensive, lettuce costs $2.99 a head and you don't qualify for any help from the government because your job pays you just a hair above the poverty line. All those things do suck, but at least you have a wage you can live on. Oh, but you went to community college, dammit, which you paid for by waiting tables and living at Mom's stinky cat lady house! You paid your dues and deserve better! You work sooo hard at your desk. Alllll day. You are SO tired from working your fat butt off at your desk allll day. Why should poor people who have even shittier jobs doing physical labor, or serving you meatloaf with extra extra ranch dressing at Denny's, or working overtime everyday so their wives can be home with the kids instead of in daycare, or who are underemployed and can only find part-time work, get any help with BASIC HUMAN NEEDS like food, shelter and medical care??? Oh wait, you don't WANT help from the government because of my next favorite complaint....

Complaint: "Our country wasn't founded on a bunch of freeloaders. I wasn't raised to take handouts. If those welfare people would just get off their ass and work hard, and try to better themselves, they could get off the welfare, but they don't want to! They're just lazy good-for-nothings. They're obviously too stupid to go to college."

My retort: “We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”
     One of the beautiful and frustrating things about our Constitution, is that it is subjective. When it was written, those dudes knew exactly what they were talking about. But now, so many other unforeseen issues have come up, we are left to make our own interpretations. Constitutional law is complicated shit. It deserves debate. But promoting the general welfare, I think, includes that we don't allow our own citizens to starve. Period. At all costs.
     You know what? Some people aren't the college type. They are the mechanic, or welder, or cook, or bartender type. Not everyone needs to be, or should be, a doctor or lawyer. You need someone around who can fix your fucking BMW, because you're too stupid to do it yourself. Do those people not deserve a decent wage? Because you fuckers sure don't support raising the minimum we have people who hit hard times on occasion, like EVERYONE does, and because they've been living hand-to-mouth, they have no savings to recover, so they need a little help buying groceries here and there. How dare they have a death in the family and have to scrape up the change in the couch to come up with cremation money, and therefore not have money for food next month! Assholes!

Complaint: "Single mothers keep having babies just to stay on welfare because they don't want to work. They have a better phone, purse, car, etc...than I do, and I can't afford those things, why should they? They obviously don't need welfare."

My retort: Let me tell you from experience, that I did not want to be a single mother, I didn't plan to be when I got married and had my son, but shit happens. Awful shit happens, and sometimes you end up in a position like single motherhood, which sucks many, many balls. It is terribly hard on the kids and the Moms. Nobody wants to be a single Mother. The "fathers" of some (not all) of the kids in these households do not cooperate, and do not care about how their kid is being taken care of. They leave you to figure it out for yourself. My ex used to give me only $30 a month, for over a year because he said it's all he could afford, while he was going to shows and smoking the good pot and buying video games. The Child Support office took 2 years to get my case going and start garnishing his paychecks, and even then, he made so little, they couldn't get me enough to cover even a third of Gage's expenses. My phone and car were mine from better times, and the phone was prepaid. Did you know they make prepaid smartphones now too?
      So I went on Medicaid and food stamps to help. My parents let Gage and I live in their house and I slept on the couch so Gage could have a bed. I also worked 2 waitressing jobs. I had no education because I was too busy working the last ten years, and waitressing was the best I could do. Eventually I did manage to go to school, but that was 5 years later. I worked every holiday, every weekend and long hours. I changed uniforms in parking lots between jobs. I served people who treated me like shit on their shoe, for a $2 tip and a nasty note about how they didn't get their iced tea refilled fast enough. All so I could get home after Gage was asleep, and the next time I'd get to see him would be the hour it took me to get him ready for school in the morning, until the next morning. So fuck you. I was not lazy. I made mistakes and my ex did too, and the shit hit the fan. Are you perfect? Have you NEVER been in an un-forseen shit storm? I don't want your sympathy, I just want you to recognize who you're talking to before you open your mouth.

Justification: " security is different. That's not a socialist program, it's American as apple pie! I paid into that. My family paid into that. I earned it. I'm entitled to it."

My retort: Actually, welfare and social security are essentially the same thing. The Social Security Act of 1935 began what we now know as the Social Security Administration, and the welfare programs we have today. It was all part of the same act. After the depression, people needed help. We wanted our own people to have help when they needed it most, like when you're old, disabled, unemployed or have children to care for. And at the time it was created, people complained about it being socialist and un-American! After all the misery of the great depression, a lot of people still didn't want government programs to help it's OWN CITIZENS. WTF? And now, you fuckers are complaining about food stamps for families, but don't anyone dare take away your social security check. SHUT. UP. Your SOCIALIST, social security program is pretty useful, isn't it? ISN'T IT?? What's more American than taking care of our own when they're in need? Nothing. Nothing is more American, so SHUT UP.

     I have to also point out that being on welfare isn't fun. It isn't the best medical care, and you don't get to go to any doctor you want. There are lots of restrictions. Gage couldn't get glasses when he needed them right away because Medicaid didn't pay for them at the time, so until I could save enough money for them, he had to sit in the front row at school and deal with headaches from eye strain.
     As for people who say food stamp recipients are able to buy filet mignon and lobster with their EBT cards, guess what? They are not doing that. When you get $300 a month in food stamps for 2 people, you're buying generic cereal and ground beef. So SHUT UP.
     Here's a few statistics to show you that people do not stay on welfare forever or even as much as you think. Nobody who utilizes these programs likes it. They get off it as soon as they can.


Those who are eligible for certain welfare programs usually do not stay on them long-term; in fact fewer than 20 percent of those who receive assistance from these programs stay on them for a period of time longer than seven months. Around 20 more percent of people who get welfare end up staying on it for anywhere from one to two years total. About 27 percent of people stay on welfare for a period of up to five years. Another twenty percent of people stay on welfare programs for a period of time which exceeds five years.

Welfare Demographics
Percent of recipients who are white38.8 %
Percent of recipients who are black39.8 %
Percent of recipients who are Hispanic15.7 %
Percent of recipients who are Asian2.4 %
Percent of recipients who are Other3.3 %

So there. They're not all black people, or Hispanic people, so stop saying that and why does it matter anyway, they're citizens, so stop being a biggot. The majority of recipients do not stay on the program any longer than they have to, either.

I don't want a debate. I won't even participate in one. I just had to get that off my chest. If you are a drug addict, you don't get to throw stones at poor people. Fucking idiot.