Saturday, January 12, 2013

Honey, you should masturbate.

     My tomato seeds sprouted! I have officially created life! Oh the kids? Yeah them too.


     Life has been busy the last few days. I did a T-shirt makeover out of one of Husband's old shirts, and one of mine that I hated the neckline on, and they came out cute! I want to do a bunch more T-shirt makeovers, so hopefully my birthday present this year will be a thrift store shopping spree..hint, hint...Here's the goods:





His OBEY shirt. Wow, that orange wall makes me look dead.


 God, I love Pinterest. It has taught me how to make my own laundry soap, do Tshirt surgery, make Olive Garden's pasta fagioli, build a house out of pallets....it's seriously the shit. I am fully aware that in 10 years I will laugh at myself for saying that.










     Gage was the one who finally got Bug to walk on her own. 17 steps is the record. She won't do it for anyone else. When I stand her up and ask her to walk to me, she just giggles and sits defiantly on her ass. Maybe it's that he spoils her. He lets his sister do whatever she wants. She abuses him almost daily, and the poor kid just takes it. Here he is being pinned down in the kitchen:

I took the picture and walked away but a moment later I heard moaning and muffled cries for help. I turned around to find Gage covered in baby and choking on his own hoodie. She used one hand to hold down his face, and the other hand to shove his hoodie string into his mouth with all the force in her little 20lb body! Gage heard her say, "Eat it, you son-of-a-bitch!", as she strangled him.

     Being the mother of a teenager is scarier than I thought it would be. In 4 1/2 years we have to make sure he can survive on his own. I have to be harder on him now and give him more responsibilities, which has never been my strong suit. I told him yesterday that although I realize I seem like a kitten yelling at him, he still has to listen to me. Thankfully, he and his step-Dad have a great relationship, so parenting him together has worked out beautifully so far. The few times he has had to be punished, he eventually understands why and accepts the consequences with the poise of a young gentleman. However, just around the corner is the moment when he is much bigger than his parents and realizes he can simply pick us up and move us out of the way when we are trying to tell him something he doesn't want to hear. I guess we'll see how much of a gentleman he is then.
     The fact that he will be dating soon freaks me out. I was trying to think of smart and useful advice for him, and remembered something my Mom said to me once when I got engaged the first time, at 17 years old. She said, "You've slept with him, right? How else would you know if you wanna buy the cow unless you've tried the milk?" That was only slightly less traumatizing than the time she came into my room when I was 16, sat on my bed next to me and told me this:

Mom- Honey, you should masturbate.
Me- WHAT?
Mom- I'm sorry to embarrass you, but nobody told me this when I was your age, so...
Me- Mom stop.
Mom- No, let me finish! If you don't know how to please yourself, then how can anyone else figure that out? How you do it is up to you, but...
Me- MOM PLEASE STOP RUINING MY LIFE!
Mom- Okay. I'm done. You're doing homework? Wow, that's different.

So, drawing from any advice I received as a teenager is not an option. Actually, I think the advice she gave me was accurate, it's the delivery that made me want to seek counseling.

     Going back to the boy, I have to mention that he is taking a break from digital life for a couple weeks so that he can concentrate on school. Instead of the laptop and iPod, he does extra chores, improves his game of pool, or works on random projects we give him to fill up his time. The idea is that these things will stimulate his brain and thinking skills rather than dull them. Here's the painting assignment that Husband gave him to finish today.


     It turned out great! It just needs a fancy frame so we can hang it over the fireplace :)

     Hey, I know I'm all over the place with subject matter and my thoughts don't always link together smoothly, but that's how it all happens in my head. Plus I write these things rather quickly, in between baby's bedtime and hang out time with the guys, so...hmm. That sounded like an apology for my writing style.
Fuck you.
     

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