Saturday, May 11, 2013

For Mother's Day: I do not want to be around non-English speaking midgets.

     The plan was to write a beautiful love letter to my kids as the Mother's Day blog entry. I was gonna make you people cry with my eloquent tales of Mothering my little angels. And then this week happened. Oh, I still love the kids, and I am the luckiest Mama in the world, blah blah blah...I have been inundated with Mother's Day mushiness for a month, from TV to social media, the other blogs I read and my friends and family. I am well aware of what I am supposed to want. Here's what I really want.

1. I want to spend a whole day working on my sewing and craft projects, and only interact with the baby when it's convenient for me, and she is happy and cute. The second poop stank wafts up from her diaper, or she gets hungry, I want to hand her off to someone else.

2. I want to take a nap without having the pressure of only having an hour to do so, because that's all I can afford to pay in babysitting fees for Gage.

3. I want to make myself something to eat without Bug hanging off my legs, screaming her head off and whining in a pitch that makes me want to stab myself in the ear.

4. I want the fleas in the upholstery and rugs, and the flying cockroaches everywhere else to politely move the fuck out.

5. I want my husband to eat what I fucking cooked, instead of  frying hot wings and bacon for himself in some sort of manly protest over carrots, while the rest of the family eats the carefully planned out, healthy dinner I so lovingly prepared, with the groceries I spent 3 days collecting coupons for and investigating the best deals, at 3 different stores, to buy.

6. I want my son to stop leaving trash in his room for the ants, and stop leaving our very nice, fluffy towels wadded up and wet in his bathroom to rot.

7. I want my friends to be closer than 2600 miles away, because I am seriously starting to go fucking nuts stuck in this house with only an emotional, demanding, non-english speaking midget to interact with.

8. I DO NOT want breakfast in bed because I would have to clean it all up, and there would likely be a toddler crawling through my eggs when I was trying to eat it anyway.

9. I want to be able to take Bug outside and let her run through the yard to her heart's content, like a regular kid, without having to worry about snakes, ticks, spiders, poison ivy, mosquitoes, fire ants, killer bees, fleas, and a murky pond for her to drown in.

10. I want to be drunk by 2:00 pm and eat nothing but sushi and fresh baked bread with olive oil all day. And cake.

11. I want Bug to be able to say 3 words by next Saturday, when she'll be 15 months old, because I'm starting to wonder if she's retarded.

12. I don't want to send Gage to stay with his bio dad for the entire summer, for reasons I decline to state because Gage reads my blog. But I assure you, I have many, many good reasons.

13. I don't want Husband to have to take overnight jobs doing dumb shit that is beneath him, or have to do any job he hates, just so that we can get by. If that's the score, we might as well have never left our friends, co-workers and family in California.

14. I want to sleep through the night without being woken up by people making themselves 2:00 am snacks, crying babies, rats in the basement or faulty security systems.

15. Since I have to carry health insurance, I would like for them to cover ANYTHING we actually need for once. Really, anything! A prescription, a test, SOMETHING!!

16. I do not want to have a "talk" about how this entry is just passive aggressive hate mail to my family. About how I don't appreciate anything, and my life is so much better now, and I'm impossible to make happy, blah blah blah. The truth is, my life IS better now, I DO appreciate everything, and I just had a really lonely, frustrating week. And Mother's Day feels like a bill I have to pay rather than something to celebrate. Lucky you, you get to be the one who hears me bitch, because my job as a stay at home Mom is to create a positive environment in our home, which I take seriously, and standing on the dining room table with a picket sign isn't something I am able to do.

     Tonight the in-laws and grandparents are coming over to celebrate us Moms. I will have a great time with them, because I always do. And tomorrow, everything will be okay again. Maybe I just need a nap.

She's trying to rip my nose off. That's alright. At least she's not trying to rip my nipple off, which is her usual favorite.


Cyn Franklin said...

Seriously you should write for Hallmark! As for the fleas, I hear you we have 3 cats! Our vet told us to buy a cheap dog collar, put it in the vaccum bag or canister next time you vaccum. It will help kill off some of the fleas and eggs. Change it out every month.

Kerry Anne said...

Haha, thanks, but I don't think Hallmark could handle the amount of swearing I put everyone through...

What a great idea for the vacuum! I did notice that vacuuming often has been the best remedy so far, and putting a flea collar in there is exactly what I'm going to do now. Little fuckers...