Sunday, June 30, 2013

I hip-checked an old lady.

    We went to the splash pad again during the week, and I had to elbow an old lady in the chest for trying to pick up Bug. We parked in the lot and I had Bug standing in the trunk of the car while I got her dressed in her swim gear and put on her sunblock. This old lady comes over and starts talking to her, tried to tickle her shoulder and hold her hand...the usual bullshit old people think they have the right to do when they see babies. Fine. But when I said, "okay Bug, let's go play", the old woman reached out and put her hands under Bug's arms, ready to pick her up! I felt this sickly, adrenaline fueled anger rise up through my body, and threw a hip check at her (thank you, Derby) and an elbow at her chest before I smacked her hand away from my child and told her NOBODY picks up my baby. She said, "oh, well I was just trying to help..." and waved at us as we left. What in the bloody fuck is WRONG with people?! This isn't 1955, lady. You can't just walk around handling other people's children. But then I ended up feeling a bit sorry for her, because she seemed like maybe she was dealing with some dementia or something. She was sort of wandering around, going in and out of businesses and not really seeming to have much purpose in her movements through town. Still. I almost killed a bitch.

     I told you about how I wanted to shame the mommies with my amazing brunch creations, right? Well I'm not as psycho on that as I was, but I did go to crazy town with my potluck item for today's family pool party. Grandma asked me to bring some Bob Evans mashed potatoes and a dessert. It's Ramen week in our house, so I had to come up with something cheap, preferably something we already have around. So I bought the mashed potatoes, and then with the stuff I found in my fridge and pantry, I made ice cream sandwiches. Chocolate chip - banana split ice cream sandwiches rolled in almond slivers, and oatmeal - strawberry/blueberry ice cream sandwiches. Also a few plain vanilla ice cream and oatmeal or chocolate chip ones, too. I've been at it for about 48 hours, due to the baking and freeze times. Is that weird? What is WRONG with me?? Do other people do this? Why do I feel the need to go all fat-kid-crazy when all I really HAVE to do is bring a damn tray of ready-made cupcakes? *sigh* I just hope everyone likes them.

Chocolate chip - banana split

     How did I find enough alone time to get 48 hours of dessert making into my schedule? This is how. Sesame Street is the fuckin' shit at our house.
Notice the "DUH" look on her face. Delightful.

      This was my Mom of the year moment. I feel bad about the electronic babysitter, until I get through an hour of free time just for ME. And then I feel great! But later I feel bad again. Yet still, I keep doing it when I need to get shit done around the house. It's the same icky guilt like when you get done having filthy awesome sex with your significant other, and then afterwards you're like, UGH. Get these chains off me, I'm somebody's mother!

     At gymnastics there's a little girl in the tots class with us (1-3 year-olds), whose ...Mother and grandmother?...Mother and older sister...? Not sure which. They both have orange tans and acrylic nails and need to eat a sandwich. But anyway these two women are determined to mold this little girl into a star athlete and it just isn't happening. Half the time, she doesn't want to do the guided activities or whatever her Mom/sister is trying to force on her. She does not give two shits about swinging from the bars, or doing forward rolls, or walking on the beam. She wants to swing on the zip line and jump on the trampoline with the other kids. And that should be okay! But her grandmother/mom/sister bring her to tears on a regular basis by forcing her to perform these stunts, and making the other parents want to punt her out the door in the process. The other girl her age loves every minute of class and practices her rolls and pullovers the whole time. And the more the coach tells that girl she's ready for big girl class, the more bitch face mom/sister push their poor, miserable kid.
     And then my shit she needs a name. How about Friend? Okay so Friend was just telling me about a Mom at swimming lessons who forces her crying infant to practice the skills in their class. How you can physically force a hysterical baby to float is beyond my understanding since they are so wiggly, but anyway, this woman does it. I can understand that when your kids are older, you have to nudge them toward accomplishing tasks that are difficult for them so they can learn confidence and be brave. Skills for life. But babies aren't trying to learn that shit yet. Babies are learning who they can trust, and building confidence in their caregivers and the situations they put them in GIVES them the feeling of safety they need so that when it's time, they can start to be more independent. DUH. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on parents who don't know any better than to traumatize their kids, fuck that. It's mean and I don't get it. When I see it happen I want to kick them! Trust me, I know what happens when you force your very young children to swim when they are terrified, because I kept pushing Gage to swim after his near-drowning incident, and the poor kid is STILL nervous in the water. Don't be an asshole! Don't give your kids a phobia because you're frustrated!

     Oh, yesterday Friend and Princess L came over to play at our Edward Scissorhands house. I think that's what this place looks like, anyway. You drive down a street of perfect little cookie cutter tract homes, to a wrought iron gate with overgrown vines, then down a long driveway to a big grey house with peeling paint. It's a little scary. I like it though.
     Bug was thoroughly confused by the whole thing, however. She and Princess L are always happy to see each other, but after the initial greeting, I had a shy, nervous Bug on my hip most of the time. Weird! I think she was just shocked that her friend was at her house, since usually we go to other places to see her. I wish I had taken some pictures of them, it was so cute! At one point they both got into the cabinet together and had a conversation. I love baby conversations. They totally know what they're talking about, but we have no idea. Later Princess L got in my lap and gave me cuddles! Man, when a baby likes you, it's the best feeling in the world. It's just validation that you're a decent human, I think. Or that's what I tell myself, anyway.

     Last night Husband and I were hanging out on the porch, and all of a sudden I feel a bug land on me and crawl down my shirt. Of course, I flipped the fuck out and started doing the bug-in-my-shirt strip tease. But I couldn't find it! That is, until I went inside to get ready for bed and felt the goddamn thing in my bellybutton. I don't even know what kind of bug it was, but it sure is dead now! :)

     Wanna know how to make those bomb ass ice cream sandwiches??? Too bad, I'm not telling! Nah just kidding, here ya go!

Vanilla ice cream- the good kind, don't be a douche.
Maraschino cherries- 1/3 cup chopped
Bananas- 1/3 cup chopped
Almond slices
FRESH baked chocolate chip cookies- again, don't be a douche and get the packaged kind.

Let the ice cream soften a little, then mix in the cherries and bananas. Put it back in the freezer to harden up.

Cut enough wax paper sheets in smallish squares for how many sandwiches you plan to make. You can count, right?

Tear off the same number of tape strips to secure the wax paper around your sandwiches, and put then on the edge of your counter so they're handy.

Pour some almond slices into a bowl so you can roll the sides of your sandwich in them.

When your ice cream hardens (in a few hours) you can put a couple spoonfuls onto a cookie, smash it down with another cookie, roll it in your nuts (Har-Har), wrap that shit in wax paper and tape it down. Put each wrapped one back in the freezer as you finish wrapping it, because, duh, it'll melt if you don't.

Then eat them! YUM!!!





Cyn Franklin said...

So, when is the "Mom of the Year" cookbook coming out??

Cyn Franklin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kerry Anne said...

What a great idea! I think you may be the only buyer, however....hahaha