Friday, June 7, 2013

Your fucking blue horse is so fucking awesome!

     Bug loves books. She barely ever plays with her toys anymore, she just wants to look at her books.
Isn't that WONDERFUL???? OF COURSE IT IS, SHE LOVES TO READ!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

     Okay but here's the thing. It's non-stop. From the second she wakes up, we read, and it goes on all day until I lose my mind and start hiding them from her. No, I don't want to read "Brown bear, Brown bear" 40 times. Yes, it's really cute when she slides the window open to see what Brown bear sees looking at him, and she squeals with delight. It's great. She's learning and shit. But we do this ALL FUCKING DAY. Up until a week ago, it was the only book she wanted to hear most of the time. Now she's got a few more favorites, but she won't even let me finish them! She hands me a book, listens to me read 4 pages of it, then hands me another book and insists I start reading that one. Pretty soon I have read half of 12 different books! My OCD is kicking in, and now I feel anxious when she does it too often - trying to deal with the madness of not knowing where the "Goodnight Train" ended up at.

     You know what I did yesterday? I started reading all the way through to the end, every book she gave me. Even when she started whining and hitting the book I was reading, and throwing shit all over the place. I did not give a fuck. I found out how all those books ended, and I slept great last night because of it.

     Today she started the whole thing again, and I tried to be more patient with her and read just what she wanted to hear, and be okay with moving on quickly to the next one. It ain't about me, after all. But eventually I cracked. Again. I stopped reading the actual words and just opened pages and sipped my coffee like nothing had changed. She caught on fast though, and started swearing at me in baby language. Next I tried just pointing at the pictures and saying what they were. "Bear!...Horse!... Frog!" but she kept looking at me like, "AND WHAT, BITCH?" So that didn't work out either.

     How is it that she won't speak the English, but she knows damn well that I'm shorting her on the board books? Conspiracy. One of these days I'll get an oral dissertation on the effects of pretending to read to your baby and adding the word "fucking" to half the animals in the book. Look, if I have to read these things 200 times a day, I'm going to make it interesting while I still can. And "a fucking blue horse" is a lot more provocative than just a plain old regular blue horse. I need some excitement in my life.

    

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