Friday, June 7, 2013

The fear.

     I woke up this morning and sat with Bug on the couch, and within minutes, she and I were covered in fucking fleas. I just vacuumed yesterday. We're broke until next payday so I couldn't get any diabolical Earth or whatever it's called, to treat the carpet and couches with so I've just been vacuuming and praying to the flea gods to get rid of them. Husband woke up to me vacuuming at 6:30am, saw the distress on my face and said we can get rid of the rug and couches. WHEW! He says I have to help, which I will, but how much help moving this enormous furniture will I be? I'm 130lbs of wet noodle. Then the leather couch downsairs will have to come upstairs....I think we need help. And now I've blogged so much about fleas, I might as well call this my blog about fleas. *sigh*

     Gage left on Monday, and I was fine until I had to hug him goodbye. I fell apart. Then I came home and cried off and on for 2 days, especially when Bug would try to throw her rubber blocks at his bedroom door to get his attention so he'll come out and play with her. I got a little insight into why Mom spoiled me so much after my brother left for the Army when I was 5, because when Bug started asking for her brother, I gave her a popsicle. For lunch.
"Mom's gonna change her mind any minute...I better eat fast!"

    I know that he'll be fine, I think my fear that he'll want to stay there is what's upsetting me the most. I remember being 14 1/2, and had the beginnings of "knowing" what was best for me. I had my parents figured out. I wanted them to be more involved with my life, but they couldn't be. They worked too much and were going through financial and personal problems that tended to cover up whatever I was going through. So I thought, if they were going to ignore me, I just wanted to be free. So I stopped listening to the few rules I had and from then on was always in trouble for something or another. I know the prospect of freedom is very enticing to a 14 year old, understandably. And with his bio-dad, he'd have too much of it, so that is my worry.
     I have to give the kid credit however, for being smart. And although he is not observant enough to notice the dirty socks he left on the dining room floor that he has walked past 18 times, or the trash piling up in the kitchen, or the laundry I put in front of his door...he IS observant of people. He knows his father and I, he has seen our lives unfold, and he knows who is legit and who's good at what. So far, he has taken the best he was offered from both of us, and now also from Husband. I have to remember that. It does make me feel better.

     Yesterday I took Bug to preschoolers story-time at the library. I laughed the whole time! The room was packed with little ones, all sitting nicely on the carpet in little lines, listening intently to the book about what would happen if dinosaurs lived today. Except for MY little one. Oh, she sat in my lap for about 5 minutes, and then got down and started walking up and down the aisles of sitting children, pointing at them and telling them in baby language about something she clearly felt very strongly about. If she was talking to a kid that was ignoring her, she'd get in their face and talk louder! She even booped a couple of kids noses! This chick is no shrinking violet. And she is DEFINITELY mine and Husband's daughter.
After story-time

       Oh, we took a family picture! Mom2 has another pic of all of us that's my favorite, but she hasn't emailed it to me yet.
     Last night I had some thoughts about open-mindedness, and realized that I'm not open minded. That was a hard reality. I want to be open minded! I need to think about it more, but basically, I have a hard time accepting other people when I feel they are doing something that I think is wrong. Is it just me? It really bothers me when other people refuse to see my point of view, but yet I do that to them too. It seems like an asshole way to be. I don't wanna be an asshole. As far as everyone being entitled to their opinion, that's true, but do I have to like it? I talked it over with Husband, and he reminded me that when the person who disagrees with me is a friend, I am totally open minded because what we have in common supersedes whatever piece of political/spiritual/ethical subject we differ on. Hmm...So that backs up the idea I've always had that if you are exposed to lots of different kinds of people, you find your commonalities and are able to be more open-minded. And peaceful. Then I thought about who my best friends are, and the funny thing is, most of them are my opposite in belief systems! Haha!
     I think lately I have felt kind of....on guard. That seems like a strange way to feel when I haven't been confronted or attacked in any way, but suddenly I am in an environment that is culturally my opposite. I thought that growing up in California had introduced me to enough different cultures that I'd be fine anywhere in America. I was never familiarized with rednecks though. Or racism. Or large groups of right wing Christians. Or people, black or white, whose accents are so thick I can't understand them. In California I am well versed in lots of accents. Spanish, Korean, Jewish, Ethiopian, Vietnamese, California ghetto, Valley, Philipino, Chinese, Indian, etc. etc. etc....but the southern accent mixed in with the other dialects here I can't identify, is beyond my understanding. I feel like an idiot every time I run into someone who talks to me and I have no idea what they said. It makes me nervous.

     The natural reaction when you are falling is to extend your arms. When you are afraid, you do the same thing emotionally. I think that my being less tolerant and more opinionated these days is my natural reaction to being uncomfortable, and feeling...unsafe, in my new unfamiliar environment. I just need to figure out how to stop feeling that fear. Ohmygod. I have "the fear"! It's like in roller derby when you have the fear. Fear you'll get hurt or that you can't master a skill. It stops you from progressing in your sport. You absolutely cannot have the fear and play derby successfully. It is a constant exercise in confidence in yourself. That is totally what's happening with me. I'm not progressing because of the fear. This emotional extension of my arms is hurting me. It's a confidence issue. So now I have to try not to have the fear. I need to be more confident.

Wow. I'm glad I wrote that all down so I can know what I think! Is there a Rosetta Stone for southern accents?

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