Saturday, February 2, 2013

Beer teethers.

     I think poor husband was exposed to poison ivy, or some other poisonous plant life in our yard. At the moment, he is hopped up on Benadryl and beer and covered in Calamine lotion. The smell of him reminds me of having chicken pox as a kid *shudder*. Chicken pox sucked. The way I hear it, poison ivy rash sucks even worse. The other day he was trying to clear the huge amount of uncontrolled brush in our yard (shirtless), and when he told me he was pulling vines off the trees I got a little nervous, but talked myself into thinking I was just being silly. Here's why I went against my better judgement.

     When we first moved to this house, which is owned by my in-laws, I was given the "leaves of three, let them be" warning. As I became more familiar with the yard, I realized that tons of plants had three leaf groupings, and I had no idea what was what. So I did a whole day's research and felt pretty confident that we had some poison ivy here. I asked my Mother in law about it, and she reacted as if I were crazy. So I called a poison ivy removal service to ask how to tell if what I have is truly poisonous. He had me text him some pictures so that he could tell me for sure. I sent him 4 pictures. One of the vines that cover many of our trees, and one each of the vines with three leaf groupings that grow near those trees. He replied quickly that Florida rarely has poison ivy infestations, and that he just paid a large sum of money to homeowners in Florida  that asked one of his employees to clear 5 acres of "poison ivy" that turned out to be wild raspberry, and the land owners sued him for loss of raspberry revenue. They were both doctors. Not likely that they were going to sell raspberries on the side of the road, so they were probably just assholes. Needless to say, this company was not interested in sending an inspector to my house for a free consultation. Between him and my Mother in law, I decided to let the issue go. Cut to yesterday. Husband has swollen, welted, red blotches on his arms and belly. I look it up online. Looks like a poison ivy rash. Fuck. My mind raced. I just did mixed laundry! What was in the wash with his yard work clothes? What was he even wearing? Did the plant oils get on the baby? Oh my freaking God....fuck it. At this point, whoever was exposed, is already exposed. The rash he has now isn't contagious, so what can we do? Nothing.

     Because I am an amazing wife and mother, I have an inherent nature to care for people. I'm really good at it. My husband thinks this quality is useless to him, because he is a MAN, and "catering" to pain (he loves that word) is not useful to realistic living. In fact, he saw me typing a minute ago, and went on a looong rant that went like this: "Are you blogging? I knew it. I knew I'd be the latest entry. About how I don't wanna be taken care of, but I really do, blah blah..." Yep. I just made him a beer with one of each pickle in the house in it. Then I suggested he use this lotion stuff that is supposed to protect from poison ivy oils before he clears brush in the yard next time, and since he was already annoyed with me, his response was, "No. It's not a sterile world. I can be aware of my surroundings." Okay. Get your own beer then, jackass. No but really though, I feel so sorry for him. If he actually says he is in pain, I KNOW it's bad. he NEVER complains. :(

The bandana dress
     In other news, I am preparing for Bug's first birthday, and my Mother's visit around the same time. Prepare for my insanity around the 18th. The plan is to do a birthday photo shoot and a very small party for Bug, and create a comfy visit for Mom by putting Mom in Bug's room and Bug in the art room upstairs. I borrowed a bed from my cousin for Mom. I ordered about 400 yards of tulle for birthday tutu's. I also made Bug a shirt and a bandana dress just in case the tutu's don't work out. I am all set. I am also totally aware that I will be having a lot of sex during this time to compensate my Husband for my complete insanity. That's totally okay.

     Oh! Husband caught the rat that built the casino under our house! He trapped it and then released it this morning at a nearby stream. GOOD RIDDANCE. It was female though....hopefully there's no babies left behind :/

     I must include this next picture. Little Bug is teething. She is currently working on two teeth I think. At the moment, things like freezer teethers and what-not are laughable to her. We discovered that she likes very cold cans to teethe on. Here is Bug teething on a beer can, yes, of course it isn't open, what kind of mother do you think I am?...and I chose this pic because she looks so fucked up. Post-pigtails, eyes half's good shit. We laughed about it, hopefully you will see the humor too. Poor baby. HAHAHAHA....


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