Boy crazy

 My daughter is 9. She is teetering on adolescence. This is a very tender spot to be in, for both of us. She is not excited or ready for her body to change, and hates the idea of her feelings and ideas changing..she feels like it's going to happen against her will (and she isn't wrong). She loves being a kid. She is still bewildered at the behavior of teens, but also is easily influenced by them if she thinks they're cool. She is already confused, so I know that means the change has begun.

So, I'm all up in my feelings. 

I have always talked to her and been as honest as she can understand. It's my way. But raising boys is different, with a little bit different set of worries and concerns, and my place in their stages of growing up was not at all the same as it is with my little girl. I feel very strongly that I want her to be prepared for the insanity that's coming, but I'm so scared she won't hear me...it's a fear we all have as parents, I know.  

My mother was 100% honest with me. She held nothing back when teaching me about love and sex and relationships, and girl drama and internal changes and puberty and marriage etc etc etc....

BUT her life experience did not apply to the world I was growing up in. Neither of us knew that at the time. She was not able to prepare me fully for what was to come. She had me at 32. I had Sterling at 35. I fear so much that despite my efforts, my baby will not be prepared for all she is about to face. It freezes me with fear at times.

I have discussed this with the boys and they are both fully on board with helping with this. She trusts them, and they are men, but young enough to be connected to what the world is really like. I know they will keep secrets for her until it comes to something I truly need to know. I know they'll steer her right. That helps me feel better, for me and for her. My own brother is 12 years older, and I was able to confide in him and get his advice. It helped so much. I want that for Sterling too.

I just...I know what I was going through in early adolescence. The term "Daddy issues" is grossly overused but I assure you I had them. Plus I was naturally a tactile kid, and boy crazy from about kindergarten, so once I hit 9 I was singing love songs on repeat and trying to figure out masturbation. This turned out to be a shit show that only got worse until I was in my late 20'S. If I had felt like my mom would understand these things I absolutely would have discussed it with her. But she didn't. So I didn't.

One reason I've been so insistent that the little one find a sport or something to get into, is because I see myself in her, in a specific way. She needs attention. A lot of it. And she needs to feel part of something, and that she is an important part of that thing, or really good at it. She looks for approval from peers, like all kids (and humans) do, but she in particular, really craves that feeling of being special and having an identity. I really, really want to help make sure that "thing" is cheer, or archery, or something else besides sexual prowess or fighting at school or drugs or shoplifting or whatever the fuck negative shit it could be.

Now, my girl is not at all like me in certain ways. She is not boy crazy. She is not overly concerned with popularity, or impressing people. She is not obsessed with the dark side of life, because she has never seen it. She is the closest thing to innocent that any member of our family has ever seen. ANY MEMBER. And that is also a challenge and puts extra pressure on me. What if I fuck this up?? How much of the blame goes to me? I'm so quick to not take credit for the first two being amazing humans, will I deflect credit for raising a fucked up one? Or will it shred me from the inside out forever? Wtf even IS parenting? This is NUTS!