Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Is she just a bitch?

     For a few days, Bug wasn't sleeping well, waking up every hour or two screaming or just calling out for attention. Nothing calmed her down enough to sleep for very long. Not rocking her, or singing, or even a bottle of milk. I just had to keep getting up and going to her, over and over, until I was mad with sleep deprivation and ready to throw her out a window. This went on for 3 days. The last day I was so fed up that I let her cry it out when she didn't want to nap. It worked, but that night she made me pay. She screamed so loud when she woke up that she woke up the whole house, calling for Daddy, and screeching like a pterodactyl. I tried to let her cry it out. That made it worse. So I went through the motions...Rocked her... Changed her... Fed her.... More screaming, and now Husband is trying to stop her. No luck. Finally I went into her room, asked her in my snottiest voice, "Oh do you want to get out and play?", and she said, "YES". Oh HELL no.

     So I picked her up, plopped her on the floor, and went to sit on the couch, in silence, in the dark. She babbled happily for a minute and tried to give me toys and books, but I sat there with my arms folded and looked away. I was on strike. I'd show her that there isn't a goddamn thing going on at night and bore her back to sleep! And you know what, it worked! That chick got OWNED! Aaaannnd WHAT.

     Oddly enough, Friend called me the next day and the first thing she said was, "I hit...(Princess L)." I laughed. I told her to step away from the baby and go have some alone time for a minute, because that's what you're supposed to say to a mother who has a tyrannical infant screeching and whining and biting her all day and night to the point of insanity. But I knew that was bullshit. There is no taking breaks, or bubble baths, or alone time for Mommies, and if there is, it's only brief enough to get you breathing again, not nearly enough to make you feel normal. It just gets you to the next super adorable thing the kid does so you have a reason to keep going. Like this:
Walking (unsuccessfully) in Gage's shoes

Attempting to nap with the cat
Just being stylish

    In fact, Bug is yelling her head off in her crib right now. She is dry, fed, the perfect temperature, has a paci, and is exhausted. She fell asleep during her bedtime story. The girl is pooped. I'm gonna try to let her cry it out. But like Friend reminded me, our baby's cry causes a physical reaction in us. It's a primal reaction we can't help. We feel ill, get defensive, feel sad, get's all part of our animal instinct to protect our young. Husbands don't really get it. When Bug is whining all day or crying over nothing, he just gets annoyed and walks away. He can address the need she has, or tell her to "calm down right now", and move on with his life. But I feel the need to fix it. Is she okay? Am I a crappy Mother? Does she have a need? Is she just a bitch? These questions turn over in our minds in big circles of self doubt and frustration. Oh....she stopped yelling. Whew! I hope she can sleep, poor thing..

     Friend keeps wondering what's wrong with her, because she is on edge all the time. I don't think it's hormones (the go-to we women have for unpleasant emotions), I think it's Motherhood. Being Mom is like nothing else, and it is enough to make weaker women insane, or into a pill-popping, wine in a sippy-cup mess. We are NOT going down, I say! We will at least save the questionable sippy-cup until AFTER story time at the library, because we are MAMA BEARS. We got this shit, yo.

No comments: